Tuesday, May 07, 2002

A Report Card for 2002

Okay boys and girls, it’s time to ask ourselves what exactly it was that we’ve accomplished in the wake of the greatest foreign attack on our soil since the United States was founded 223 years ago. What exactly did we do to start living again?

Published books: Ye Gods, STACKS of books about this tragedy. 9-11 told from the point of view of Ladder 44, 9-11 in pictures edited by Rudy Guiliani, 9-11 in full hi-fi video sound presented by those two French filmmakers who just happened to be on the scene that day, 9-11 from the point of view of Mrs. Schlembrunner’s Poodle, Athena….

Made Music: Sheryl Crow, Paul McCartney, Sting, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, Five For Fighting, The Goo Goo Dolls, Billy Joel, Elton John, the goddamn Who including Roger Daltry who looks like the long lost third Busey brother… Everybody’s got a song to sing about this. Even Enya. God there was a time when we thought the radio was pretty much just putting the old CD player in the studio on “repeat” and playing that “Who can say where the road goes..” song over and over and over and over and over and over and… well, you get the point.

Sold Merchandise: 9-11 Viewmasters, 9-11 T-shirts, 9-11 tattos, 9-11 bumber stickers that say patriotic things like “We will never forget” and “These colors don’t run” and “Have a Happy Meal Osama or we’ll bomb the fuck out of you.”, the official 9-11 terrorist attack American Empathy Flag (sewn together in sweatshops located in rural Pakistan, who now have to keep the guns in their houses loaded at all times to ward off refugees from Afganistan.

Sold cars without interest on the loans: Hot DAMN. Everybody and their brother bought a new car this year. I could almost kiss the Taliban for this one. If not for their little stunt, I might never have been able to afford the shiny new Mustang in my parking lot. I had been considering buying one before, but after 9-11 when the interest rates dropped off to nothing, (not to mention a 2% drop on my student loans, oh wonder of wonders), it clinched the deal. I keep Ford Motors in business so that they don’t go under like Enron or Imclone and debase the economy. It’s almost like buying a war bond.

Re-evaluated our political position concerning the Middle East: Well, if we can slam-dunk Afghanistan in a matter of hours from the air, why not Iraq, why not Saudi Arabia? With the Bush family nestled so snugly, ready to take control of the Alaskan oil reserves on our own soil, we could manage without the Arabs for the season or two that it would take to install governments and despots friendlier to ourselves, couldn’t we? P.S. Please don’t nuke each other yet, India and Pakistan, there are many of you we’re sure could benefit from distribution rights to Coca Cola, Fear Factor, and Microsoft computers. The latest models can be yours for just….

Collectively flocked in rabid droves to another Star Wars movie: Hey, this one was a true triumph. We even got to see YODA use a LIGHTSABER.

Oh yea, I almost forgot, we also managed to pretty much bomb the fuck out of a small pre-industrial country who if they had not eaten all the potatoes, would have surely struck down a plane or two of ours with its strategic potato gun emplacements. I mean honestly, they defied us straight faced and it took what, an AFTERNOON to completely destroy all of their military infrastructure, half of its hardware, and even a good sized wedding procession.

So in light of this year since the attacks on the Trade Center, I would say we’ve successfully gone on being Americans. Though the one little smirch on an otherwise flawless report card. We got an F in CATCHING THE GUY THAT STARTED THE WHOLE THING. Don’t bullshit me, Dubbaya, I saw “Enemy of the State”, you guys have satellites that can see the whites of Will Smith’s eyes as he jumps building to building in a crowded urban street. Maybe if you got someone other than the guy that played Scott Evil, you’d be able to catch Bin Laden. Of course… what the hell would we do with him when we caught him? Shit people are STILL wearing those stupid goddamn Mumia T-shirts, and that minority bad guy only killed ONE good white guy.

Better luck next semester, America.